So the NME Cool List is out, and you haven’t got a clue who anyone is. Again. I share your pain, or I would if I hadn’t been ice-cool since birth. Here’s my beginner’s guide for those of you who are less fortunate …
1 Azealia Banks Unsigned female rapper from New York who nobody had heard of until about 3pm yesterday (although, ahem, the Guardian first wrote about her in 2009, cos we’re cool like that). The lyrics to her viral hit 212 are so rude they would blind you if quoted here.
2 Jarvis Cocker Oh, come on, even you know this one.
3 Honor Titus Member of hardcore punks Cerebral Ballzy. They have lots of songs that consist of 82 seconds of screaming.
4 Serge Pizzorno Model looks, cocksure attitude, supporter of Leicester City – these things do a rock star make. Or at least a member of Kasabian.
5 Tom Meighan As above, only replace “model looks” with “enjoys trips to Toys R Us”.
6 Lana Del Rey David Lynch-inspired singer-songwriter, a viral sensation and The Coolest Thing on earth in September. Then came a backlash and she’s down to No 6 before you can say: “Damn you, cool, and your fickle ways.”
7 Rhys Webb Known as the “nice one” in arty indie band the Horrors. Used to be called Spider Webb but being called “Spider” is so very 2009.
8 Theo Hutchcraft The Hurts singer has grand, pretentious ideas about pop and is better dressed than most rock stars these days. Admittedly, this isn’t saying much.
9 Matt Helders The Arctic Monkeys drummer likes to hang with P Diddy and make funny online videos about wearing crocs.
10 Ellery Roberts Erm … nope, us neither.
Tim Jonze, The Guardian